In light of the fact that I leave for New Orleans for my 5th trip in about 30 hours I thought it would be appropriate to write a new blog. This is both in preparation for the trip and in reflection of the recently deceased year of 2008.
2008 brought lots of changes and new decisions to be made. It started with a NOLA trip. One that started full of fear and apprehension and ended in a new found confidence, outlook and certainty about life. I was the only student on the trip who was not legally considered an adult yet and only one of two students who had not yet received their diploma from High School. I want to just straight up thank Brooke Howard for being there with me as the only non-college kid on the trip. You really were great to talk to and unload my apprehensions on. Despite these obvious drawbacks I quickly learned the ropes and learned to fit in fine with my older cohorts. I was constantly reminded of the verses that say things about how you must be like children, except this time I didn’t feel like I need to BECOME the child… I felt I WAS the child. The trip completely threw me for a loop and I was quickly thrown into another world I had never seen before. I felt I had become part of the nomadic homeless that roved the River walk of the French Quarter. The trip ended too quickly but the effects, thankfully, did not.
Soon after, a boy was thrown into my life as well. In short, he changed everything. I was experiencing new things, mindsets, and views all the time with him. He accompanied through the last semester of high school which flew by quite quickly. Unfortunately, I was not speedy enough to keep up with it. I failed the semester miserably, having to go in the day before graduation to plead and beg for a pleading Calculus grade. (Thankfully I was successful, and had been accepted to college already) We won’t talk about my GPA for the mentioned semester.
With graduation out of the way and a new NOLA trip, I realized how ridiculous my life had become. How many compromises I’d made. How complacent I had become. Needless to say it was time for some changes and some big ones at that. NOLA was a blast! Ron asked me to give me a speech about charity and I personally thought it was a great experience. I had never presented my own ideas about a subject, let alone one of such weight, to more than a group of 5 or so friends. Let’s not get into the fact that this speech was to be given to a group of 90+ high-schoolers, half of which I did not know. I was also put in a position where I was responsible of the lives of at least 3 other people who were usually younger than me. I chose to lead them into some sketch situations to say the least. Chilling with drunk, drugged out, belligerent, and/or mentally disable homeless men is probably not what these kids parents had in mind when they sent their children off for a week of spiritual enlightenment in the beautiful city of New Orleans. And I'm sure the idea of ME of all people being in charge of their safety might concern at least one parent in the town of Monument, but in my defense, as far as I know, no one was ever hurt under my supervision. During the trip one thing became evident. Life had to change. The next epiphany that came was one that the male in my life was not going to help that cause and would likely do more hindering. Thanks goes out to Holly Mikulas for the chit- chat we had on that statue in Lafayette Square one afternoon while we were there. The trip was over and my life was different as far as I was concerned. Soon thereafter my boy was gone and it was the right choice.
College snuck up on me and I walked down the blue halls of my new dorm with tentativeness about each new roommate. Let’s just say I was dead wrong about every one of them. Each held a new view of life that my narrow view of life growing up in Monument had never seen. Living with them has been a thrill to say the least! Emily Miller-Dawson is hands down the best living mate I could have been given and I'm so thankful I left things up to chance. Things seem to go better that way. More evidence that my plans for my life basically suck and I should just leave them up to the person in charge. Nicole Bozas is by far the peace maker and helps keep us all cool headed and objective. Samiat Agunbiade (yes, I spelled that without looking it up) makes life and adventure and definitely the humor of the group. The neighbors, Kate Pogonyi and Kayla Buchanan, are great. They are almost always in a great mood (when they aren’t fighting with each other… love you guys) and we have secret codes that we knock to each other through the wall at ridiculous hours of the night.
I’d say that’s a great start to a new year in a new city at a new school with new people. But along with all those changes and new things came more new things. I’m not going to sit here and pretend that college life hasn’t affected me because that would be a lie. I’m not going to act like in the perfect kid that every parent brags about at church and shows up all their friends’ kids who are party mongers. I’ll be straight up and tell you that I became that typical college kid. Now if you’re sitting her reading this and you live in Denver like me, then none of this is a shocker to you. To those in Monument and I’m sure my mom, because I can guarantee she is reading this, this may be a shock to you, especially those of you in the Roots/FRCC circle. But I really don’t see why it is, no one’s perfect as much as I’d like to be. Although most of you may to shocked to hear stories of Halloween and my 18th Birthday where alcohol was the main attraction and most of those two night were a massive blur of strangers I didn’t know and me and Emily’s famous “Alcohol Water”, its nowhere near as bad as the two weeks I committed to smoking pot almost every night with friends much to Emily’s disappointment (I’m still sorry about that, Em). Those two weeks are a blur that could be compiled into one short day in my memory which includes taking an IQ test, sneaking into a Hookah Bar underage, Goodtimes’ custard, and Lucy. We won’t get started about when I started smoking and soon thereafter quit because it’s disgusting/stupid not to mention the issue of the scent it leaves behind (very hard to sneak past the parents).
Now to justify this, as if it’s justifiable, it’s all done with. I came up with this ridiculous plan that was just that: ridiculous. To start the explanation we must travel to the Amish society. Track with me here real quick. When an Amish teenager turns 16, they go through a process called Rumspringa. In short they stop being Amish. They all but leave to community that they have grown up in. They go out into the world that they have never experienced. They drive cars, use electricity, do drugs, wear normal clothes, drink, party, the whole shebang. The reason they do this is basically because they are released from the rules they were raised with. They are pretty close to living as they wish. While there are drawbacks, such as the occasional teen being evicted or even completely estranged from their family during their time of their transgressions, they are ultimately left to decide whether or not they will join the Amish church for life or leave it for life. Most return to their home after running amuck. Now, let me clarify that this semester of ridiculous behavior on my part was not in any way me abandoning my faith nor were the actions fueled by me flirting with become anything other than Christian. I already have made the decision to be a Christian and fully and completely believe that there is a God out there who loves me more completely than anyone here on Earth could. I also solemnly believe that this guy named Jesus died so I could be free for eternity.
These actions were motivated by the fact that I had seen so many people in high school and elsewhere that said they were Christians but were simply complacent about it. Now understand that I am in no way saying that these people weren’t Christian or were not living right, that’s not up to me. They had no problem saying one thing and doing another, discovering the same thing I did and taking it completely differently. I became devout, going to church every Sunday, the Vine every Wednesday, Roots every Thursday and occasionally theMILL on Fridays. I hung with a primarily Christian crowd and never dabbled in the other sects at school. The other people I saw would say they were Christians if you asked them but didn’t be bound by the same rules I was. Now I’ve never had a problem with the rules I signed up for. I’m actually pretty happy about them. It’s easier to do something because an omniscient power tells you so rather than a mom or a DARE speaker or even yourself. I wanted to see if it really was as easy as they made it seem. And simply put, it’s not at all easy for me to do. It drove me nuts having that nagging feeling in the back of my head perpetually. It was way worse than when you accidentally tell a secret or lie to your best friend. This was constant regret which I personally can’t live with. But sadly enough it did start to get easier as time passed. Basically the decision has been made that it’s time to back to how it was before. I'm down with going back to the days when 15 of us would show up at Chipotle after church and someone would say “Let’s go there are too many effing churches in here”.
I understand that puts me under public scrutiny if I mess up along the way or if I slip up. I'm okay with that. I deserve it. People should pay for hypocrisy and I’ll do my best not to be a hypocrite. I’m obviously going to get flack for this. I don’t know too many Christians who would go out on the Internet, where literally BILLIONS of people can see your thoughts, and say that they broke all the rules. That’s basically asking to be judged. And if you do judge, which I think is completely justified, please just me as an individual and don’t judge all Christians. I don’t need the guilt of ruining Christian’s global image on my shoulders as well as my own image, which I'm obviously not too torn up about either. I fully understand that even though I am moved out of my home my parents are still going to ground me for months and will probably not believe a single word I’ve said although I’ve tried my best to never flat out lie to them, just mask the truth which is just as bad. So bring on the pain because its 2009 now and it’s a clean slate for me in more than one respect. All that crap is officially in the past. It could be a decade ago to me. Time to move on and move forward. I want to apologize to all the people I have hurt directly and indirectly from my actions. I understand relationships may be ruined because of this but I pray that these people will extend a gracious hand and give me a clean slate as well. I want to thank the people who sat by and watched this and did their best to help. Katherine Shimel, Melanie Schow, Emily, all of you were just great. I especially want to thank Mel for putting up with me on my birthday on the phone (for hours I hear) it was an eye opener and the recent events that have occurred that you have been sworn to secrecy about (you should know what I'm talking about) are now public knowledge so tell whomever you please. The last thanks goes to Chad Peterson. That crazy even was the most ridiculous and will make a great story for the grand kids… ha it still makes me laugh. Chad, you opened my eyes that night/morning ;)
p.s. I apologize for the length of this and comment you for your perseverance! Thanks for listening. I fell a lot better now.
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